I Take Thee Quagmire
Episode Title: “Family Guy” I Take Thee Quagmire
Episode number: Three
Written by: Seth MacFarlane
Directed by: Seth MacFarlane
Transcribed by: Ashley Nelson-Gentry
Disclaimer: I, Ashley Nelson-Gentry, do not own the characters, ideas, plot, jokes, or any material associated with the TV series “Family Guy.” They were created by Seth MacFarlane and also in part David Zuckerman and therefore belong to them and their affiliated network. All rights have been reserved.
This is not a script nor is it a telling of the selected episode. It is a concise transcript of afore mentioned “Family Guy” episode. It entails descriptions of the settings, actions, and other necessary information that I feel is significant to include.
The I Take Thee Quagmire episode was originally broadcast on March 12, 2006.
(Theme Song) Lois: (Playing piano and singing, imitating All in the Family set-up) It seems today, that all you see, is violence on movies and sex on TV. Peter: (Singing) But where are those good old fashioned values? Lois, Peter, Chris, Meg, Stewie, Brian (everyone): (Singing) On which we used to rely? Everyone: (Showcase set-up) Lucky there’s a family guy! Lucky there’s a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us… Stewie: (Held by Lois, singing) Laugh and cry! Everyone: (Emphasizing, singing): He’s Our Family Guy!! Scene One opens with “Wheel of Fortune” set up. Regis (show host): (Standing with Peter in front of the game board, Applause) All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations. Peter: Thanks, Regis. Regis: (Camera cuts to Vanna White with a picture of Peter in the lower right-hand corner) Okay. The category is “Actor and Show.” So we need five consonants and a vowel. Peter: Oh, okay. Um… (showing his answers on the lower left corner) Z, four, Q. (Blinks with blank face) Another Q. Uh…A third Q. And the Batman symbol. Regis: Okay, no help there. Um, fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out. Peter: (Blank face) Is it Alex Karras in Webster? (Music, Applause, Vanna White displays the letters) Regis: (Astonished face, raised eyes) I don’t believe it. Peter: (Finally excited) Oh my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap! (Winner theme music comes on) Regis: Okay you have thirteen hundred dollars. (Camera cuts to display prizes) Why don’t you go ahead and pick put some prizes from our showcase. Peter: (Displayed in the upper left hand corner) Okay. Let’s see. Uh…oh boy, everything looks nice. Um, all right. I’ll take the ceramic Dalmatian for six hundred and uh…Boy, that TV looks nice. Um, uh, give me the one free week of maid service and uh, (squinting his eyes) I’ll take the hat rack. Um, hey how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don’t see a price tag on that. Regis: That’s you. Peter: Oh, oh, embarrassing. Um…Okay, well in that case I’ll take the rest on a gift certificate. Scene cuts to Peter, Lois and Brian in the living room of Griffin household. Lois: (Touching Peter’s shoulder) Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV. Brian: (Looking over at Lois and Peter) I can’t believe you actually won. But I suppose it’s not the strangest thing I’ve seen on a game show. Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. Scene cuts to Jeopardy host Alex Trebek on Jeopardy show. Alex: All right players, the answer once again is “it was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars.” Adam? What was your response? (Adam presses a button to reveal the answer) Kebert…Xela. (His eyes widen) Aah! (Zapping noise poofs him into thin air) Adam: (Serious faced, other contestants astonished with open mouths) Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs. Scene two opens at the Griffin residence. Stewie: (Putting his bib on, climbs on the couch) All right, whip ‘em out woman. (Climbs onto Lois’ lap) It’s time for the afternoon meal. (Proceeds to open Lois’ blouse) Lois: My goodness Stewie, (widens eyes in surprise) I guess you’re hungry. (Stewie begins to suckle on her breast roughly) Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy’s very sore. Stewie: (Stops and looks up at her) And by the way, let’s be clear, I only like you as a friend. (Doorbell rings and Peter answers it) Joan: (Smiling) Hi, I’m Joan. I’m, uh, your maid for the week. Peter: (Pointing to himself) Me, Peter. (Pointing to Joan) You, maid. Joan: (Frowning) Um, I do speak English. Peter: (Pointing to Joan) You, maid, clean (pointing to himself) for me, Peter. You (pointing to Joan) clean Peter (pointing to himself) mess. Lois: Peter, stop it! (Sympathizing with Joan) Welcome to our home, Joan. I’m Lois. (extending her hand toward the inside of the house) Won’t you come in? Peter: Oh boy my own maid! (Exclaiming, looking off into the distance) This is gonna kick more ass than that magical ride I took! Scene cuts to space scene. Singers: It’s the great space coaster! (Space coaster coasting through space) Get on board! On the great space coaster! (Picks up a boy on a farm) We’ll explore. A common ride of fantasy to a place where dreams fly fast and free. (Man singing) With new friends and new things to see. We’ll spin you through the galaxy! SEVEN YEARS LATER Peter: (Thick bearded, looking at a map) Well, we are officially lost. Ricky: (Singing) On the great space coast— Peter: Shut up, Ricky. Just shut up right now. Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I’m gonna punch you right in the stomach! Scene changes and cuts to Griffin residence. Peter: (With Joan scrubbing his belly button) Joan, it’s great to have you here. No one’s cleaned my belly button in a long time. Lois is afraid to go near there and my fingers are too thick. Joan: (Wiping his belly) What is this? (Pulls a carton of cigarettes out of his belly button) Peter: A carton of Parliaments? I haven’t smoked in ten years! Hey, keep digging! (Joan pulls out a machine with two remotes) Oh, ColecoVision! Yeah, this could be a fun afternoon. Scene three opens on Spooner Street. Joan: (Camera on Peter) Mr. Griffin, this is unbelievably humiliating. (Camera cuts to entire picture of Joan carrying Peter with a harness over her mouth as if she were a horse) Peter: Hey, hey, Lois wants me to go to the store and car is low on gas. (Joan stops at a red light, eerie music ensues and two men approach on a woman also) Oh, crap. Man 1: (Announcer’s voice) This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. (Peter and Man 2 strap on racer’s gloves) Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway, now a study in mopishness. Peter: The hell I am! (The light turns green) Yahh! (Joan falls over) Scene cuts to house, where Brian is sitting on the couch watching TV. TV Announcer: We now return to “Malcolm in the Middle.” Mother: (Yelling at the boys at the breakfast table) And I told you boys to pick up your clothes! And who left the wet towel on the bed? Swear to God, sometimes I feel like just going on strike! What would you all do if I went on strike? Huh? What would you do? I’m talking to you! You know what? That’s what I’m gonna do! (Father gets up and takes the freezer door off the refrigerator) I’m gonna go on strike! And you can all try living without me! What do you think about that huh? (Jumbling words) I’m gonna do that, gonna do that, laa-laa (screaming now)!! (Father hits her over the head with door) Father: (Pleasant voice) Kids, we’re free. We’re finally free. (Kids get up with father and leave the house, liberating music playing, walking toward the sunset arm-in-arm) Lois: (Entering the living room) Ow, damn that hurts. (Closing her blouse) Brian: What happened? Lois: I was breastfeeding Stewie and he bit me again. I think he might’ve even broken the skin. Brian: I see. Um. Maybe I should uh, you know, uh, look at it. Uh, I, uh, I, I have seen a lot of medical shows. (Lois shows Brian her breasts) Lois: (Brian staring intently) You see, the areola is very tender here and I think one of his new teeth may’ve bitten down right on the duct. (Long Pause) Brian: I’m sorry, what? Lois: I don’t know what to do Brian. Breastfeeding’s just so painful since Stewie’s teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers. Scene cuts to Alec Baldwin breast feeding three grown brothers. Alec: There you go. There you go. Eat up Steven, you’re the weakest. Scene cuts back to Lois and Brian’s conversation. Brian: Well maybe it’s time to wean Stewie. Lois: (Sounding downtrodden) Huh, I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what? I’ll give it a try. Thanks Brian. Brian: No problem. (Both looking at TV) Uh, a-a-any other problems you have too, like, for example, arou-around your underpants that you want me take a look at, I could-I could take a look a-at that too. Lois: Huh? (Looking at Brian) Brian: (Looks at Lois) Please pull down your underpants. Scene Four opens to the night scene of the house. Peter: (In the kitchen with his friends with a watermelon) All right boys. It’s my maid’s last night so we gotta make the most of it. Now, I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers. Scene cuts to living room where Meg is watching TV Peter: Hey Meg, will you hold this for Daddy? (Hands her the watermelon) Meg: M’kay. Why? Peter: Uh it’s a present. It’s a Thanks-for-being-such-a-sweetie watermelon. So you’ll hang onto that? Meg: Yeah sure. Peter: (Running off) Yahhhhh!! Meg: (Examining the watermelon) This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? (Watermelon explodes) AAH!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!! (Meg angrily and speedily walks out and Peter and his friends walk in) Peter: (Calling out) Oh maid! Joan: (Entering the living room) Oh my God! Peter: Everybody this is Joan. Joe: Hi. Cleveland: Hello. (Romantic music begins and camera focuses in on Quagmire) Scene changes to daydream of Quagmire’s. Joan: (Holding hands with Quagmire in a forest in a wedding dress) (IN ELVISH LANGUAGE) My life is mine to give to whomever I wish. I choose a mortal life with you Quagmire. Quagmire: (IN ELVISH) Giggity. Scene convenes back to living room. Quagmire: (Approaching Joan) Uh, uh, hey there. I, I mean, it’s uh nice to pleasure your acquaintance. Uh, I mean, uh, w-would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? Joan: (Smiling) I’d love to. Joe: God, he works fast. Cleveland: (Pointing to Quagmire’s pants) Hey Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket or a erection in your pocket? Joan: Do you wanna say nine o’clock? Quagmire: Sure. (Nods) See you then. Camera change to Quagmire leaving the Griffin residence. Quagmire: (Closes door). Oh my God. I’m in love. (He dances by himself) Scene cuts to Quagmire’s daydream of him and Joan dancing, eating, and flying (imitation of “Beauty and the Beast,” then “Lady and the Tramp,” and “Aladdin” (in present day Baghdad) Scene cuts to Stewie’s room Lois: (Walking toward Stewie) Time for dinner sweetie. Stewie: (Gets up on her lap) Very well then. Take off your shirt. (Begins to unbutton her shirt) Lois: (Stopping him) No, honey. No no. Tonight we are gonna have formula instead. (Stewie begins to drink the bottle of formula) Stewie: (Spits it out) Ugh! That’s more disgusting than when Peter went through that daisy dukes phase. Scene cuts to Stewie’s memory in living room Peter: (Enters the living room in Daisy Dukes and bra) So who’s up for some hoops at the park? Huh? (Turns around) Oh there you are. Come here, you basketball. (Camera cuts to another angle) Stewie and Brian: Ugh!! (Closing their eyes and shielding themselves) Brian: It’s like a walrus flossing. Scene cuts to Stewie about to be put to bed by Lois Lois: Now, I know it’s different than you’re used to. But you’ll see it’s just as good. (Places Stewie in the crib with the formula next to him) Stewie: Hmm, yes. That’s what we were promised about Jim Belushi, some twenty-five laugh-free years ago. Scene Five opens on a beach with Joan and Quagmire on a blanket watching the sunset Camera cuts to frontal view of characters Joan: (Staring off into the distance holding a glass of wine) Wow, it’s so lovely here Glenn. Quagmire: (Holding a glass of wine, smiling) Well this is our three-week anniversary, Joan. I wanted this date to be special. You know this place is unique because if you’re lucky some nights around sunset the screaming black dolphins come out. Joan: Oh wow! Really? I’ve heard they’re just beautiful. (Looking out in the distance where two dolphins appear) Dolphin 1: What’s going on man? Dolphin 2: Who’s that?—oh what’s going on yourself? Haha. Dolphin 1: I almost drowned yesterday. Ha ha ha. Dolphin 2: Oh man. It’s wet out here. Joan: Oh look at them! Quagmire: They’re magical aren’t they? (Puts his glass down) Listen Joan, I have something very important to ask you. Dolphin 1: Hey, James. Dolphin 2: Mhmm? Dolphin 1: I’m gonna see how long I can hold my breath. Dolphin 2: I see you breathin’ out your hole. Joan: (To Quagmire) What is it Glenn? Quagmire: (Sitting up on his knees) Joan, I’ve decided I want to spend the rest of my life with you. (Pulls a box from his pocket and flips it open to display a ring) Will you marry me? Joan: (Clasping her hands together, gasps) Of course I will! (Quagmire puts the ring on her finger) Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire! (They kiss) Dolphin 1: Hey man! Ah ha, I see you got some seaweed on your tail! Dolphin 2: Oh, where? Dolphin 1: Ha ha! You know I’m just playing with you! Ha Ha! Dolphin 2: Oh, ha ha! You always play—oh I thought you were talkin’ about the other seaweed. Ha ha! Dolphin 1: You know I got jokes! (Both laughing) Dolphin 2: I’ma slap you with my bill! Scene Six opens at The Drunken Clam, neighborhood bar where Peter, Joe, and Cleveland are sitting at a table drinking beer Joe: Man, I never would’ve thought Quagmire would get married. Peter: No, no. I know Quagmire. And I’m telling you this has gotta be some kind of prank. You know like that prank I pulled on Ashton Kutcher. Scene cuts to Peter’s memory of his prank Peter: (Hand up to his mouth to call him over) Ashton, come here. (Ashton walks over and Peter throws a Tomahawk weapon at Ashton’s head and Ashton falls) Heh, heh, heh. (Pointing and laughing) You’ve just been tomahawked. That’s my show, “Tomahawked”. Scene cuts to griffin household in the kitchen Stewie is sweating and coloring and Brian is reading a newspaper Brian: (Looks up from newspaper) So how’s the weaning going? Stewie: Oh! It’s horrible! Giving up breast milk is the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. Scene cuts to Founding Fathers writing the Bill of Rights Father 1: All right, we’re done. Father 2: You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know about the right to bear arms? Father 3: Of course it’s clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their walls (points to bear arms on wall). How could that possibly be misconstrued? Father 1: All right, fantastic then. Wait. You know what? Before we send this to the printer, let’s take that abortion thing out. Scene Seven opens to Peter, Lois and friends walking down the street Bonnie: (Holding a bottle of wine) Boy, I never thought we’d be going to Quagmire’s for an engagement party. (Peter rings doorbell) Peter: I’m telling you guys, he’s putting us on. He’s the same old Quagmire. Quagmire: (In a suit) Hey there neighbors. Are you lost? (Laughs by himself) I’m just joshing. Of course we’re expecting you. (Extending his arm into the house) Come on in, friends. (Everyone enters and their mouths drop) Uh uh uh uh. If you all just uh take your shoes off there. Joan and I kind of do the Japanese thing. (Everyone takes their shoes off except Cleveland) Cleveland: (Thinking) Uh oh, foot odor. (Speaking) I have to go. (Everyone looks at him) I have terrible foot odor. (He leaves hurriedly) Lois: (Looking around) Glenn, your place looks wonderful. I feel like I can touch things in here now. Joe: We brought you guys a bottle of wine. Joan and Quagmire: (excited) Ooh, Montrachet! Quagmire: (To Joan) I like our friends. Scene cuts to dinner table Quagmire: (Excited) So Joan and I just love Without a Trace, don’t we honey? Joan: (Sipping wine) Yeah, it’s all right. Quagmire: We think it’s all right. Peter: What’re you talkin’ about? You hate CBS. Quagmire: Ooh. Uh, hate is a word we don’t use in this house. Joan and I always say ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.’ (chuckles) We say that, right, honey? Joan: (Shrugs her shoulders) Sometimes. Quagmire: Sometimes we say that. Scene Eight begins at a magazine stand Peter: (Holding magazine) Hey Quagmire. Check out this month’s Hustler, huh? (Turning the magazine to him) Quagmire? Quagmire: (reading a Country Living) Oh now this is neat. These people have put an old-fashioned spinning wheel in the center of their living room, as furniture. (Sighs) Tsk, oh, that’s what I want in my house. Scene changes to strip club with club music playing where Peter, Cleveland and Quagmire are seated by one of the poles Peter: All right, Quagmire, time for your lap dance. (Quagmire looks worried) Quagmire: No guys. I can’t do that. It’s degrading to women. Peter: Come on, Quagmire. It’s gotta be you. I’m married, Cleveland’s got foot odor and Joe’s dead from the waist down. Camera cuts to Joe, where a female is giving him a lap dance Joe: OHHHH!!! WHY DO YOU BRING ME HERE?? Scene Nine opens at the park where Lois and Brian are watching Stewie swing Lois: Oh, Brian. My breasts are so sore. And they’ve gotten so engorged from the weaning, I’ve gone up two bra sizes. Brian: What did you do with the old bras? (Lois looks at him) Scene cuts to Stewie, now standing on the swing with binoculars aiming for a mother breastfeeding her baby Stewie: (Swinging standing up) Okay. Got to time this just right. (he throws the binoculars and counts for the last few swings) One. Two. Three! (He launches himself into the arms of the woman, knocking the other baby into the trashcan) Woman: Ohh (exclaiming) Help! Somebody get this baby off of me! (Lois approaches) Lois: (To Stewie, grabbing him from the woman) Stewie! (To woman) I’m so sorry. (Woman clutches at herself and Lois walks away) Stewie: (Calling out to the woman) By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren’t boobs. They’re lies! Scene Ten opens back at The Drunken Clam where Peter, Joe and Cleveland are sitting at a table with beer Peter: I can’t believe it! Quagmire’s gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us. Cleveland: Well, what can we do about it? The wedding’s tomorrow. Peter: There’s only one thing to do. (Staring off into the distance) We gotta break it up. Scene Eleven begins at a church for the wedding, where Peter and Quagmire are standing outside Quagmire: Gosh, Peter, thanks so much for being my best man. Peter: Oh, it’s my pleasure. In fact, I’ve got a wedding present for you. (Turning to talk to moving guys) All right, back it up guys! (They deliver Lady Liberty’s statue foot) (Talking to Quagmire) I know how you have a foot fetish so I got you the Statue of Liberty’s foot. Quagmire: Oh thanks Peter. But Joan’s all the foot I need now. Peter: What? But Quagmire, that’s the real foot from the Statue of Liber— Quagmire: No, no. I’m okay. Peter: Hey, hey. Do you have any idea what I went through to get this? (Angry tone) A lot. A real lot. You think this is just, “oh here comes Peter with the Statue of Liberty’s foot. Oh isn’t that just a gas.” No. No. The reality, the real reality, of getting this together was staggering. You know, this cost me $437,000 dollars. Don’t ask me how I got it. I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I’ve never even met. So the very least you can do is just rub up against…(putting his hands up in defeat) I don’t know. Quagmire: Well if you want I could— Peter: No, no, no. No, no. It’s fine. No, no. Whatever, whatever. Just go to your wedding, man. (Moving man approaches) Moving man: (In Spanish) Quieres tu que nosotros— Peter: (To the Moving man) No. No, no, no, no. Take—just get it out of here. Scene changes to wedding banquet where people are dancing Lois: (To Peter whose arms are folded) Peter, what’s the matter? This is a happy occasion. Peter: (Unfolds arms) No, it’s not, Lois. It’s horrible. You don’t know what happens to a man when he gets married. It’s like a disease that rots you from the inside out. (Lois’ mouth drops) Lois: I know Peter but…(dress snap open to reveal cleavage) Oh, damnit. I can’t believe how much my breasts have swollen. (Camera cuts to Quagmire who notices Lois’ breasts with mouth agape) Quagmire: Gasp…(Camera switches view to entire scene of Quagmire and Lois) (Music swells and Peter notices Quagmire.) Peter: (Grabs champagne bottle and pops it open) Uh, look out. Champagne. (Pours it onto Lois’ open breasts) Lois: Peter, stop. (Camera cuts to Lois’ wet breasts which she attempts to wipe off) Quagmire: (Camera cuts to sweaty Quagmire) uhhhh… Peter: (Camera cuts back to Peter and Lois) Oh Lois, you’re all wet. Here let me jiggle you dry. (Peter jiggles her up and down as her breasts jiggle) Lois: (being jiggled) Ahh uh ahh uh ahh!! Quagmire: (watches Lois and looks at ring) Giggity giggity God! I’ve made a terrible mistake. (Puts his head in his hands and cries) Scene changes to parking lot where Mayor Adam West is walking Adam: (Falling to his knees, crying) Oh my God, you blew it up. You really did it. Damn you all to hell. (Pounds the ground) (Camera cuts from front view of Adam to back view in sight of the foot of the Statue of Liberty) Scene twelve begins at The Drunken Clam where Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland are drinking Quagmire: Oh God I gotta get out of this marriage. (to Cleveland) Cleveland how did you get out of yours? Cleveland: You slept with my wife. (Camera cuts to Joe) Joe: It’s easy Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. (Camera cuts to entire scene) Peter: Yeah. You’ve gotten out of commitments before. Scene cuts to Quagmire and a blonde in bed Blonde: Wow, that was great. Quagmire: Sure was. (he hops out of bed) See ya! Blonde: But you said we were gonna get married! Quagmire: No. I only said that so you’d googooity my geshmoigen. (Imitating Woody the Woodpecker and flying toward the door) Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha, hahahahahahaha! (Pecks his name into the wall) Scene changes to Quagmire’s residence where Quagmire and Joan are in the kitchen Quagmire: (To Joan who is cutting up vegetables) So anyway, what I’m trying to tell you is some of the guys thought we should get a divorce. (Camera switches to a view of her back side) Joan: (turns quickly with knife to wrist) WHAT? Quagmire: B-b-b-b-but I-I told them they didn’t know what they were talking about. Joan: (holding a knife and staggered breathing) Good, good, because if you ever left me I’d have to cut myself. (Points knife at Quagmire) And then I’d cut you! (Pulls knife back) I love you, Glenn. Quagmire: I love you too Insane-Woman-I’m-Having-Second-Thoughts-About. Joan: (pointing knife at Quagmire) What? Quagmire: (cool tone) Oh right… Scene Thirteen begins in the Griffin household where Stewie is sneaking into Peter and Lois’ room at night with a breast pump Stewie: (starts machine) Yes. Sleep away, woman. (Hooks her up to machine) But I’m here to claim what’s rightfully mine. (Bottle fills with breast milk) Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. That’s the stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. (Takes bottle and ends pumping) (he trips and spills milk) AH! Dear God, I’ve got to get a hold of myself. Look at me, sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet. I’m as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read. Scene changes to living room scene where Peter and Lois are on the couch reading Peter: Hey Lois what’s this word? Lois: (Looks over) Evel. Peter: And this one? Lois: Kneivel. Peter: And this one? Lois: Was. Peter: And this one? Lois: Born. Peter: And this one? Lois: In. Peter: And this one? Lois: Montana. Peter: Oh. Hey Lois did you know that Evel Kneivel was born in Montana? Scene changes to The Drunken Clam where Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe are having beer Joe: You didn’t tell her? Quagmire: Look, I told you. She was gonna kill herself. What was I supposed to do? Cleveland: Let her. (laughs alone) No, that’s not funny. Peter: Wait a second, we know she’s gonna be upset if you dump her. But if something happened that was out of your control, then— Quagmire: What do you mean? Peter: I mean, we’re going to fake your death. This is the best idea I’ve had since I invented that soda. Scene changes to Peter’s memory set in a board meeting room Peter: Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. (Unveils soda) All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without that troublesome opacity. Well, what if you’re drinking a regular Pepsi and somebody’s comin’ at you with a knife, huh? You won’t be able to see him past your Pepsi. And then, and then, and then who’s dead, huh? (Pointing to one of the men, excitedly loud) You. (Yelling) You. You’re dead! Stabbed! (Calm) Crystal Pepsi. Scene Fourteen begins with Peter, Cleveland, and Joe approaching Quagmire’s house Peter: All right, fellas. I think we did it. (Holding up a tape) This may be the most absolutely perfect fake death in the history of fake deaths. (Rings doorbell and Joan answers) Joan: What do you guys want? Peter: Joan, um, you mind if we come in? There’s um, there’s been an accident. Scene switches to living room of Quagmire’s house Peter: This is uh, not gonna be easy, but uh, it’s something you should see. (Puts tape in player) Scene changes to video tape with Peter narrating Peter: So anyway, here’s Quagmire walking through the park, (Quagmire walking through the park) minding his own business. Uh, I just happened to be there with my video camera when a ninja shows up! (Joe dressed up as a ninja pretends to attack Quagmire) And then a Nazi came! (Cleveland dressed up as a Nazi comes and shoots Quagmire with a Nerf gun, Quagmire falls to his knees) And then a evil pots-and-pan robot!! (Peter with pots and pans on shoots Quagmire with a toy gun, Quagmire falls onto his back) (in a mechanical voice) DESTROY. DESTROY! Scene changes to living room of Quagmire’s house Peter: I imagine you’re probably wondering what happened to the body. Well we thought of that. Scene switches to TV Peter: (retreating from scene to camera) Oh, no! Quagmire’s dead! Wait we might be able to save—Oh no! (Dinosaur appears and audience can see it being operated by Peter’s hand) (Peter imitates fanfare while dinosaur “eats” Quagmire) Scene changes back to living room Peter: We are so, so sorry for your loss. Joan: Is this a joke? Peter: (touching Joan’s shoulder) I wish it were, Joan. I wish it were a joke. But these things happen, you know. You go for a walk in the park one day and wheelchair ninjas and Nazis and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill ya. And dinosaurs show up to eat the remains. You’ve seen the news. Joan: You’re not fooling anyone! Peter: (Whispering to Cleveland and Joe) All right, fellas. Plan B. Joe: (Into shirt collar) Plan B, Quagmire. (Quagmire enters) Quagmire: Hi honey! I’m home! (begins to scream in agony) Ahhh ugh, HEART ATTACK! (falls to the ground) Joan: (rising out of astonishment) Glenn, sweetheart! Is he all right? Joe: (Checking wrist for pulse) No, he’s dead. I can tell, I’m a cop. Joan: Oh my God! Are you sure? Peter: You know what’ll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. (Enunciating to Quagmire) I said, when people die they void their bowels. Scene changes to outside of Quagmire’s house Peter: Oh my God! Cleveland: Oh!!! Ha ha! Joe: Oh! Ha ha!! Peter: (after total expression of disgust) What a jackass! Scene Fifteen begins at the Griffin residence where Brian is in the living room reading, Stewie enters) Brian: Well you look a lot better. Stewie: I did it Brian! Through sheer force of will, I kicked my addiction to breast milk. I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive. Brian: Yeah, how’d you do that? Stewie: I watched In the Cut. Meg Ryan topless. No thanks. No thanks. (Lois enters) Lois: Stewie. Mommy has a surprise for you. (Unbuttoning her top) Brian: What’re you doing? Lois: Oh Brian. I thought I was ready to wean him but I just miss the bonding. (Lois picks Stewie up) Stewie: Ugh, no no! No! Put me down! (Struggling to get out of Lois’ arms) I beg of you! (He drinks some) I just kicked the stuff. (Drinks) Damn you! (Drinks) You sick, twisted (Drinks) I hate you. (Drinks) I love it. (Drinks) I will kill you. (Drinks) Scene changes to Quagmire’s funeral Joe: (To Peter) You sure Quagmire’s okay in there? Peter: No problem. He’s got a half an hour of oxygen. We’ll sneak back later and dig him up. (dirt is poured on the coffin, Death approaches) Death: Sorry I’m late. I had a meeting over at NBC about Joey. Peter: Death? What’re you doing here? Nobody’s dying today. Death: Not according to my paperwork. Says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. I gotta tell ya, I always thought it’d be rectal trauma. (Cement truck backs up) Peter: Whoa whoa whoa. What the hell are you doing? Cement man: Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies. So the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete. Adam: You’ll thank me when no one eats our brains. You’ll thank me. Peter: Hold it! Stop the funeral! Quagmire’s not really dead! (Peter jumps into grave and opens casket for Quagmire) Quagmire: Uh ah… Adam: Zombie! (he runs off) Joan: Glenn! I thought I’d lost you. (hugs him while he maintains a face of disgust) Death: Sorry Mr. Quagmire but I still need a body to take back with me. (Death raises scepter) So… Joan: No! You can’t take him! (She grabs Death and dies) Peter: You know, uh, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. She was suicidal. Death: She was? Peter: Yeah. Quagmire: Definitely. Cleveland: I had heard that too. Peter: And her last name was Quagmire. Death: Well good enough for me. I gotta go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. I’m not gonna kill her. (chuckles) I’m just gonna watch her die on her own. (puts his hand up for high five) Anyone? Anyone? (Someone gives him a high five and dies) Peter: Ah it’s good to have you back, Quagmire. Quagmire: It’s good to be back, Peter. (Death starts to leave with Joan over shoulder) Hey Death, can you leave that body here for another five minutes? Peter: Hahahahahaha that’s Quagmire!! Scene ends with Quagmire imitating Woody the Woodpecker along with the tune. He carves GIGGITY GIGGITY GOO into the wood background. End credits.